The Abyss (2024)

I like disaster movies. I like the domesticity of the early scenes with the oblivious residents going about their untroubled lives, thinking today's gonna be like every other day. I enjoy getting to know how these people are when things are fine and then seeing what they become when things go as bad as they can possibly go. 

The trouble here is that the setting -- Kiruna in Sweden -- is a real city that is home to the largest iron ore mine in the world. Because of the instability caused by the mine, the city is planning -- in real life -- to be moved approximately 3 km away. The entire plot of the movie is "but what if it collapses before we've gotten out?" Since they already know it's dangerous enough that they can't stay there, it takes a huge dose of suspended disbelief to get through this. The entire town is caught off-guard and there seem to be no emergency protocols in place. Our hero (Frigga), despite her job as the security manager for the mine, doesn't appear to have taken the time to tell her own messy family what to do when/if shit goes down.

If you like disaster movies, you'll be disappointed. If you don't like disaster movies, but you do enjoy clueless people more focused on their relationship drama than their physical world getting sucked into the earth, this might be your jam.

D+

Live Twice, Love Once (2019)

A widowed, retired professor is diagnosed with Alzheimers and decides to track down a teenage crush. His granddaughter stows away with him and soon her parents have joined the trip as well.

Though the story sneaked into "feelings engaged" territory a couple of times, it always felt cheap somehow. Like this fixation on a ghost from his youth is somehow cute or romantic, when it felt to me that it simply reduced his actual life to second-best. I just could not get on-board.

C

Hot Frosty (2024)

Snow sculpture comes to life after a widow drapes a scarf around its neck. It's so dumb. And I'm not just talking about the movie itself, in which the town doctor invokes "magic" as an explanation more than once. I'm talking about Jack (aka Hot Frosty) who is played less as "born yesterday" and more "held back four or five grades."

Lacks charm and, ironically, magic.

D-

Eye for an Eye (2019)

Notorious drug lord Antonio has been granted compassionate release from prison due to his health. Rather than heading home to his sons, he opts for a nursing home where he'll be under the care of the compassionate nurse Mario. But Mario has a personal beef with his new patient: his brother died of an overdose while dealing for him.

This was truly tense at times. While I sympathized with Mario, it was impossible to truly be on his side. He compromised his workplace and his family over blame that was at least as much his brother's as it was Antonio's. It's possible that I'm just too practical to really get swept up in this type of story -- but I'd still call this effective.

B-

Outside (2024)

A couple experiencing marital stress must now deal with a zombie outbreak. Along with their two sons, they head toward his childhood home since it's on a farm and should have plenty of room. The trauma he experienced there, however, goes to work on his mental health and soon the zombies aren't the scariest thing the wife and kids are facing.

Though taking a marital thriller and adding zombies is an interesting idea, it's also just too much. Or maybe just too long.

C+

The Babysitter: Killer Queen (2020)

Doesn't measure up to the original, but there are still a couple of surprises to be had. That said, I'm hoping that there's not a third installment as this premise feels like it's gone as far as it can go.

C+

Cursed Friends (2022)

After receiving a "predict the future" activity book while trick-or-treating, four kids fill it out together. Twentyish years later, they all happen to be together on Halloween and discover the long-lost book -- and now the predictions are coming true.

This felt like one of those K-Mart kids' movie knock-offs: disappointing but also "off" enough to be weirdly watchable. The murder and orgy club subplots, however, make this resolutely inappropriate for children.

D

The Binge (2020)

In the not-too-distant future, all drugs and alcohol are illegal except for the annual "Binge" when all citizens 18 and up can indulge. The local high school, of course, takes a "just say no"-style approach to the holiday -- especially the principal (who happens to have a hot daughter finally old enough for her first binge).

Funny idea obviously inspired by "The Purge," but it wound up feeling aimless and tame.Vaughn as the principal was especially mild. I wanted to laugh, but the laughs never came.

C

School Spirits (2017)

A girl and her single father relocate to Missouri. She soon discovers that there are ghosts in town as well as a couple of ghost enthusiast classmates. Most of the ghosts are harmless, but a few are scary. One is actually terrifying and wishes to absorb the lifeforce of the kids. Good thing she's a genius who can rig up a EMF reader to be an EMF translator/recorder so she and her ghost hunting classmates can understand them.

Not only is this incredibly dumb, the lead often delivers her lines under her breath -- like even she realizes how awful the dialogue is.

D

The Devil on Trial (2023)

The Glatzel family went through some crap in the 1980s. David, one of the kids, claimed to have been possessed and proceeded to act out enough so that the Warrens (Amityville, The Conjuring) showed up and pushed for an exorcism. According to this documentary, during the exorcism, Arne (a family friend) yelled at the demon to take him on instead of David. When Arne killed a man several months later, he claimed it was due to that invitation that the devil was actually able to use Arne's body to stab the guy. The defense attempted to use that in court.

I did believe in the sincerity of the talking heads in this doc. I believed grown-up David thought he was possessed as a kid and I believed the oldest brother was sure it was a bunch of hooey. I also know that when I'm extremely frightened or enraged that it can feel like I'm not in control... but that doesn't make me guiltless when I behave badly.

From the title, I was hoping for the focus to be on the case rather than the backstory. I should've known better.

D+

The Conference (2023)

A small group of city employees travel to attend a conference, the main purpose of which is to celebrate the groundbreaking for a mall they're hoping will boost the economy in the area. Only the management is excited about both the mall and the conference, the rest are obviously just going through the motions.

And then someone starts picking off the conference staff and the participants one by one. And then it ends. There are some inventive deaths, but nothing in the story makes this stand out.

D+

The Body (2018)

First: this isn't technically a movie, but an episode in the horror anthology Into the Dark -- but it was presented as a standalone movie on Hulu, so that's why it's here.

The film starts with a body, the hitman responsible, and a 4-hour time limit to get the body to a specific destination. Bad news: his tire has been punctured as a Halloween prank. Good news: since it's Halloween, dragging a body-shaped bundle around raises no eyebrows at all. The fun really gets going when he's offered a ride if goes to a party with a group who wants to show their friends the guy with the awesome hitman costume.

I had a lot of fun with this one. I enjoyed the absurdity of the situation and the dynamic between the group of friends. Felt truly original.

B+

BS High (2023)

Roy Johnson is incompetent and ridiculous and deserving of your derision. But, make no mistake, he's also a deliberate conman and it's a real failing that he's not in prison because he is the very definition of a unrepentant criminal. So much of what he did would be laughable if he hadn't been ruining kids' lives -- financially, scholastically, physically -- in the process. 

Though the documentary is efficiently told and Johnson incriminates himself every time he opens his mouth, I still got sick of watching and listening to him way before it was over.

B-

Weird: The Al Yankovic Story (2022)

Yankovic's biopic is to other biopics what Yankovic's songs are to other songs: a goof on them. Surprisingly, it works really well and I think a lot of the credit for that goes to Radcliffe in the lead, with Evan Rachel Wood solid as Madonna.

It's silly, hilarious, kinda dumb, and -- honestly -- gets old after a while. If it had been cut down to a lean 90 minutes, this could've been superb.

B-

Faithfully Yours (2023)

Two friends leave their husbands at home while they take a "cultural weekend" away. What they're actually doing (and what they've done many times before) is providing each other an alibi while they party. When the weekend turns deadly, lies are exposed and suspicions run rampant.

Though it all made sense in the end, the red herring-count got into "whoa -- that's too many" territory.

C+

The Discovery (2017)

Once the existence of an afterlife has been proven, instances of suicide jump dramatically. The man behind the revelation has fashioned a kind of commune for those interested in continuing the research. And, though he has long been estranged from the family, the man's elder son is coming home.

Even if it wasn't dreary and slow as molasses, this was never going to work for me because I simply didn't get the premise. Why would people kill themselves just because there's an afterlife? No one's saying that the afterlife is a happy one. They didn't prove the existence of heaven -- just something else. To me it was absolutely bizarre that the collective assumption would be "it's gotta be better than this."

C-

Dangerous Lies (2020)

Katie is beyond surprised when the man for whom she's been providing in-home care dies and leaves everything to her. The windfall is especially welcome since she and her husband have been struggling for a while. But she and he can't seem to get on the same page about how to handle their new wealth and, with a detective, her suspicious boss, and an eager realtor sniffing around, the pressure just builds.

This is firmly on the lighter side of thrillers, but it was mostly clever and definitely diverting.

B-

Delivery by Christmas (2022)

A delivery driver rejects the advances of a co-worker and he retaliates by switching the labels of her 4 Christmas eve deliveries. This confuses recipients and forces her to work late -- with a son waiting at home -- to get the packages to their rightful owners. Along for the ride is a pushy young man who'd expected to receive an engagement ring with which he's planning to propose.

Though I generally dislike American remakes of foreign movies, this one is ripe for Americanization. Everything should be bigger than it is in this Polish film. Push the ridiculousness up to "10" and this could be a truly fun story. As it is, it's just kind of fine. Kind of nice. Mostly boring.

C

Adult Swim Yule Log (2022)

A peaceful fire... for a few minutes. But then there's a cleaning woman and a home invasion. And then a couple arrive at an AirBnB only to have a sheriff knock on their door and tell them there's been a murder. Oh, and also? That log in their fire is cursed so they should stop burning it. And it only gets weirder from there.

This movie seemed to encompass all the genres. But it was mostly weird. Even when scary things were happening, the overriding thought was "this is the weirdest." I'm not sure I'd have liked it at all if I'd known anything about it going in -- I'm not sure it could even work if you have expectations.

C+

The Christmas Train (2017)

A journalist is traveling from New York to Los Angeles by train in order to fulfill a promise to his late father. Also on board is his ex-girlfriend, a former journalist now working on scripts. For some reason, this train is called "The Christmas Train" by the conductor, engineer, and other passengers. We've got the eloping couple facing opposition from rich parents, the lonelyheart busybody, the recent widower, a bigshot Hollywood director, and an arrogant chess master.

It's clumsy and obvious and, somehow, still not a terrible way to spend a cozy winter evening. The twist at the end pulls it up a bit.

C