Death on the Nile (2022)

We start with a ridiculous backstory for Poirot's mustache then move to some clothed fucking on a dance floor. 

I thought "Weird... but not boring," and that was the last time I thought it wasn't boring. What a waste of talent and time.

D+

Marry Me (2022)

When superstar Kat finds out -- moments before her very public event wedding -- that her fiancée has been cheating on her, she picks a guy out of the crowd to take his place. That the random dude is a nice guy, math-teaching single father with a crooked nose and aw-shucks demeanor is just gravy.

You will get exactly what you're hoping for with this movie. You'll also get, as a bonus, a legit soundtrack.

B

Sword of Trust (2019)

After inheriting a Civil War sword from her grandfather, Cynthia and her partner take it to a pawn shop. Because the sword purports to be a piece of evidence proving that the south won the Civil War, the pawn shop owner and his assistant soon find a buyer.

The four leads are amiable, which makes it an easy watch. The plot, however, is about as thin as a pancake.

C+

All the Bright Places (2020)

A couple of teens -- one with a history of family trauma which has made him a difficult student and the other with a recent loss which has made her withdraw -- pair up for a class assignment. In the process of fulfilling the requirements of their task, they help each other heal.

While I appreciated that this wasn't a "love is a magical band-aid"-type of story, I wasn't quite as invested in these two for the climax to have the impact I think it should've.

C

Old (2021)

Vacationers are sent to a beautiful secluded beach which quickly becomes terrifying when they discover 1) a corpse, 2) that they can't leave, and 3) that they're rapidly aging as well. And, though it isn't part of the story (as far as I can tell), they also seem to be regressing when it comes to their acting abilities. 

It's so hilariously stupid. I mean, I laughed and laughed at the kids growing up, fucking, becoming parents and then quickly losing their child to starvation within minutes... and I'm fairly certain that wasn't meant to give anyone the giggles. But, seriously, an infant starves in literal minutes but a hamper of food sustains most of the group for what amounts to 30+ years. What the hell even is this? 

Even one of Shyamalan's trademark TWISTs can't save this trainwreck.

F

Together Together (2021)

Matt hires Anna -- a bright woman who's still figuring stuff out -- to be his surrogate. Matt's in his 40s, Anna's in her 20s, and neither fits comfortably into the world. Despite the huge differences in lifestyles and life stage, they come to rely on each other and can't help but blur the professional boundaries.

I've never really understood how or why Ed Helms is famous; I usually am annoyed by his mugging and can think of a dozen people who could handle almost any of his roles better than he does. But here he's just right. I understood why he'd be single and also why he'd yearn for a family of his own. I also really appreciated that romance was never on the table for these two: they couldn't help but get close, but it wouldn't have been in the least bit cute for them to ever hook up.

B

Pig (2021)

Cage is living in isolation in the woods, visited once a week by the businessman who buys his truffles and brings him supplies. When his truffle-hunting pig is stolen, Cage is determined to find her at all costs. It's sometimes ridiculous and usually confusing, but Cage is the grounding force. He believes in the mission and we can do nothing but jump on his crazy train and hang on. I was intermittently annoyed (why, exactly, won't he tidy up a bit??), but usually just in awe (the hand pan scene was quietly moving).

Once again, Cage just absolutely GOES for it and delivers a performance that other actors can only dream of achieving.

B+

Thelma (2017)

Sheltered girl in her first year of college begins experiencing sporadic seizures. Despite this, she begins to make friends... but friends can be mindlessly cruel and her lack of experience in secular matters makes her an easy target. Her embarrassment seems to only exacerbate her seizures and she soon finds out that her parents have been dreading this day for more than a decade.

A wonderfully handled metaphor for the power we give to our fears -- especially those that were instilled and nurtured by those we trust. Just incredible.

A-

Spider-Man: No Way Home (2021)

Clever and entertaining as all get-out. I mean I can barely remember which superhero has fought which villain -- I'm not talking about which Spider-Man, but which hero. Superman? Aquaman? Batman? Was it possible the Riddler might've shown up in this? I really don't know or care. I just had a great time.

B

Sightseers (2013)

Sheltered woman gets a boyfriend and accepts his invitation to go on a caravan roadtrip. We see a glimpse of trouble when he cannot let another tourist's littering go, but that's nothing. Soon they're on a murder spree, knocking off anyone who annoys them.

Wow, I'm making this sound almost good -- don't be fooled like I was. It's aggressively dull despite all the carnage.

F

Trollhunter (2011)

A trio of college students decide to film a report on a spate of bear attacks in the area. Instead they fall in with a guy who hunts the real problems: trolls. Though the students start off doubtful, it isn't long before they're believers.

It's just another lazy "found footage" movie with very little plot. And the CGI is pretty dang bad.

D+

First Cow (2020)

In the time of western expansion, a cook helps a Chinese man who is running from his would-be killers. They meet up again further down the line and kind of fall into a friendship and partnership. It's an easy relationship -- they're both hardworking outcasts with dreams of success. In order to get together capital, they decide to use Cookie's talents as a baker to make some money in camp. Problem is they need milk for the batter and the only source belongs to the town's Chief Factor.

But that's just the story. The reason I loved this so much is the vibe: dozens of quiet moments strung together into feature length. Sometimes the friends are quietly working around their shack. Sometimes they're dreaming out loud. I found it to be a beautiful reminder of the fact that people have always wanted the same things: companionship and security.

A-

The Professionals (1966)

Rich Texan with a pretty Mexican bride hires a group of men to rescue her from a revolutionary across the border. The trip down is long and brutal. The rescue is daring and exciting. The escape is made all the more difficult for the fact that bride doesn't want to leave.

You see the ending coming a mile away, but that doesn't hurt it much.

B

All the Old Knives (2022)

Henry and Celia were together in both love and the CIA when terrorists hijacked and killed everyone on a commercial passenger plane. Though Celia retired and they've lost touch in the eight years since, Henry and she set up a dinner. He's been tasked with finding the mole who the CIA now know fed information to the terrorists, resulting in the killing of the hostages and themselves.

We jump back and forth in time between the couple rehashing the events over dinner and the actual events from eight years ago. But it's so dull that, within 30 minutes, I really didn't care who'd done what.

C

Bunny Lake Is Missing (1965)

When a young mother goes to pick her daughter Bunny up from her first day of school, she's nowhere to be found. The problem is, no one at the school will admit to ever seeing her and the woman's apartment contains no children's belongings.

This is a solid, if smallish, mystery saw me change my mind more than once about what I thought was happening. Good acting all around.

B

Roberta (1935)

The plot is needlessly convoluted: an American jazz band is hired for a gig in Paris but, when they arrive they're immediately fired for not being Indians as the boss assumed they were. The band's manager happens to have an aunt in Paris and she runs a fashion house called "Roberta." Her assistant Stephanie (Irene Dunne) is literal royalty, for some reason undercover as an apprentice designer. The band's manager goes into partnership with Stephanie when his aunt dies and leaves the business to him. By the way, Stephanie also sings (but not professionally).

The B Plot is that one of Roberta's clients (Ginger Rogers) is a demanding countess who is a singer in a nightclub looking for a band. But she's not really a countess -- she's an American faking royalty as a hook to secure a booking. And guess what? The band's conductor (Fred Astaire) used to run in the same circles with her. He agrees not to expose her if she gets him a job. There's also a huge fashion show at the end.

It doesn't make any sense. Plus, any movie that makes Astaire & Rogers the secondary story simply doesn't know what it's doing.

C

The Gentlemen (2020)

An American in the UK is looking to sell off his cash cow of a marijuana operation, but things start to go wrong for him very quickly. Our smarmy narrator is filling in the details to the American's right-hand man, and his tale is entertaining, to say the least.

Great fun, this one.

B+

Everything Everywhere All at Once (2022)

Chinese woman in the darkest timeline -- running a laundromat, in tax trouble, lots of unfulfilled dreams, silly husband, unhappy daughter, disappointed father -- is contacted by the alphaverse to help save all of existence. 

Starts off with a kind of manic energy applied to the most mundane of situations, which is a difficult vibe to pull off. And, frankly, the film fails in its delivery for more than an hour. It felt like stuff I've seen plenty of times before but without a moment to breathe, which became especially annoying. Basically: I hated it until I started loving it, but that point took so long to get to that I had to dock it a letter grade.

I think that if the initial scenes had been slower, allowing us to understand who these people are in this single universe, the story as a whole would've been better served.

B+