Jack (1996)

Jack has a rare disorder that causes him to age at 4 times the average speed and has been sheltered his entire life to spare him the bullying this would invite. But he's 10 now and his parents have agreed to let him join his peers in the fifth grade. Problem is: there's literally nothing interesting about Jack other than his disorder. Also, why does he act like he's 5 rather than 10? Are we supposed to consider that part of the disorder? Or are we just supposed to read it as "homeschool kids are kind of inept"?

This entire script is so tone deaf and dumb. I get that it's a magical situation, but this leans more toward drama than comedy so it should at least make me feel something other than irritation and boredom. I hated this movie so much and I was embarrassed for everyone involved.

F

Circus Island (2006)

Carlos has the circus in his blood: he has inherited the family's island (complete with Big Top and Grandpa Circus Ghost) and refuses to stop chasing his dream of being a trapeze artist, despite approaching 50. His wife Lena wisely dumps him and he falls into the arms of her estranged sister... whom he'd previously never seen nor met. A decade later, the unhappy daughter he left behind runs away to the island to find her father, who by now has three new kids with Aunt Stepmom. When she comes looking for her daughter, Lena decides to help out her ex and sis by financing a Circus Camp, where kids can learn to be circus performers. Solid plan, everyone! 

I'm fairly certain this is the most inept film I've literally ever seen. Storylines start then peter out, the timelines make zero sense, the acting is jaw-droppingly terrible, the soundtrack consists of the musical equivalents of those knock-off cartoons that K-Mart used to sell on VHS, and the water taxi operator is named "Jamaica Joe" and leans hard into it. The only worthwhile element is the bad-to-the-bone villain Ashley who vamps around saying things like "Loser" and making barf faces, accuses another camper of sexual assault and then attempts murder by cutting through the safety net. Her insanity doesn't fix anything, but at least it's a break from the interminable training montages.

F

House (1977)

Its bizarre factor makes it tempting to give this a higher grade than it deserves. But, since it could've easily been made by a few of 8th graders with a camera and buckets of technicolor fake blood, I won't pretend.

After a group of girls have their holiday plans fall through, Gorgeous offers her auntie's house as an option. See, she's upset that her father is remarrying -- never mind that she's only met her aunt once when she was a child -- and wants to get away. The friends' names are a little bit of ridiculousness of their own: Gorgeous (she's pretty!), Fantasy (she daydreams!), Prof (she wears glasses!), Melody (she likes music!), Kung Fu (she's sporty!), Mac (she likes to eat and everyone keeps pretending she's fat but she's really NOT!), and Sweet (she's... sweet, I guess). Welp, Auntie says to come on ahead and so they do.

The Aunt has apparently turned evil because her boyfriend didn't return from the war like he promised he would decades before. Her house and cat are also evil. Together (but mostly the house), they take down the girls one by one because eating unmarried girls is their passion. I don't know. It's so aggressively mad I can't even beLIEVE that a movie this fantastically insane exists. I mean wowza.

F

Walkabout (1971)

This is the fourth film directed by Nicolas Roeg that I've seen, and it keeps my "he's obviously not for me" streak alive. While I acknowledge that the outback landscape is beautiful -- it's almost more nature documentary than survival story -- the whole thing just made me borderline upset and, once the aboriginal teen shows up, extremely uncomfortable. I could not get on its wavelength. Or, quite possibly, I simply didn't want to get there. Ironically, nothing felt natural. From the weird cooking radio station that was playing (...then drown the bird in cognac) to the lecherous weather research group set up in the desert, it was just a pile of off-putting weirdness. 

Walkabout was included in the British Film Institute's 2005 list of "50 Films You Should See by the Age of 14" and, to that, I say "what in the actual fuck?" Well, wait. On second thought, I'm sure my boys would've LOVED this at 14. I mean, probably not the whole movie, but a few choice scenes for sure.

F

Against the Night (2017)

Nine friends decide to go together to the town's abandoned prison in the middle of the night to film a ghost hunting video. Things get bloody quick -- but they get stupid and infuriating even before the blood starts flowing.

My question throughout was "Why in the world would any of these women keep these arrested-development men in their lives?" One of the first scenes has a guy with a camera sneaking into a room to film a couple having sex: the male half of duo sees him and grins while the woman is embarrassed but quickly gets over it. It's like all of the guys are 12 with boobies and sex on the brain and the women just shrug it off with a "boys will be boys" attitude. Literally unbelievable. Also, most of the scares are shot with so little light that they're completely ineffective.

F

Winchester (2018)

Sarah Winchester (of Winchester Repeating Arms Company) lives in a mansion under perpetual construction. The reason for this is that souls who've been killed by a Winchester gun dictate plans for rooms identical to the ones in which they died, Sarah commissions them to be built, then the soul can inhabitant said room and somehow find peace, at which point the room is torn down. Sometimes the souls don't find peace, though.

Whatever. Though based on a real person and place, it's supremely stupid -- and not in a fun or scary way. 

F

Old (2021)

Vacationers are sent to a beautiful secluded beach which quickly becomes terrifying when they discover 1) a corpse, 2) that they can't leave, and 3) that they're rapidly aging as well. And, though it isn't part of the story (as far as I can tell), they also seem to be regressing when it comes to their acting abilities. 

It's so hilariously stupid. I mean, I laughed and laughed at the kids growing up, fucking, becoming parents and then quickly losing their child to starvation within minutes... and I'm fairly certain that wasn't meant to give anyone the giggles. But, seriously, an infant starves in literal minutes but a hamper of food sustains most of the group for what amounts to 30+ years. What the hell even is this? 

Even one of Shyamalan's trademark TWISTs can't save this trainwreck.

F

Sightseers (2013)

Sheltered woman gets a boyfriend and accepts his invitation to go on a caravan roadtrip. We see a glimpse of trouble when he cannot let another tourist's littering go, but that's nothing. Soon they're on a murder spree, knocking off anyone who annoys them.

Wow, I'm making this sound almost good -- don't be fooled like I was. It's aggressively dull despite all the carnage.

F

Fast Color (2019)

The earth hasn't had rain in eight years, so there's no running water and what's available costs dearly. A woman with the ability/curse to cause earthquakes whether she wants to or not is being sought by the government. Her mother and daughter live on a remote farm and also have abilities -- but on a much smaller scale. There's some weird after-effect to using the ability that causes streaks of color... for no other apparent reason other than for there to be a cool effect.

Boy. This is one stupid movie. Once the young woman figures out how to harness her abilities, she "takes apart the sky," which causes a downpour. The response of the authorities is to pull firearms on her. But why? Are they gonna kill the person who made it rain? So fucking dumb. A huge waste of time.

F

The Stolen (2017)

British woman in New Zealand sees men break into her home, shoot her husband, and kidnap her son. Though unfamiliar with the country, she decides to find her son whatever cost, so she travels with a few prostitutes going to a goldrush town in hopes she'll find him there.

This movie is so inexplicably stupid. It's also sanitized as though it was a prime time TV movie from the early '80s. A complete waste of time for the viewers and everyone involved in the production.

F

The Tragedy of Macbeth (2021)

It's classy because it's Shakespeare. It's arty because it's black and white. There's no subtlety in the lead role because it's Denzel.

A boring misfire.

F

Shiva Baby (2021)

A college-age "sugar baby" goes to a shiva with her parents and ends up running into the "daddy" she'd just been with -- along with his wife and infant daughter. The premise is a whole lot more interesting than what this film did with it. 

Everything that can goes wrong does: she gets a cut on her thigh and has to remove her ruined pantyhose... she gets an entire cup of coffee spilled on her... she is pushed into a cabinet, causing a glass vase of flower to break... she loses her unlocked phone so that her sugar baby account and recent nude selfies can be found... the bracelet her "daddy" just gifted to her is recognized by his wife as being the same as one she owns... on and on and on. If that weren't bad enough, I also hated every single person we met and most of the dialogue seemed to be improvised by people new to the concept of improvisation. It had the same feeling as when you see extras "walking" down the street, but their arms don't swing convincingly and their steps are a bit too short. Just awkward and obviously fake.

Unfunny and irritating. I was so relieved that it was barely an hour and a quarter.

F

Unsane (2018)

Sawyer has relocated to a new city to escape a stalker. She visits a counselor to talk things out and signs some "boilerplate" paperwork that turns out to actually be commitment consent forms. So, that could've been cool and interesting -- an insurance scam perpetrated by a psychiatric hospital -- but, unfortunately, that wasn't all there was to this movie. It's a stupid, insulting mess. I have no idea why we kept watching this pile of garbage.

F

Christmas Survival (2018)

A couple and their three kids have recently relocated from the city to her country childhood home, which they're in the middle of renovating. Despite the chaos, they decide to have half a dozen family members to spend the holidays with them. There's also an exchange student, his stoned son from his first marriage, and a bunch of Polish contractors along for the ride.

It's brutally unfunny, full of boring cliches, and just lacks all sense of humor. This was so bad that I felt certain that it must have been written/directed by the same no-talent who made The Leisure Class for the director-gets-a-shot show Project Greenlight. It doesn't appear to be him, but I'm not ruling out a pseudonym.

F

Domino (2019)

Calling this movie "bad" would be kind. It's absolute garbage. No pacing, no character development, and the score is woefully inept -- more suited to a cartoon than a thriller.

Here's the story: Copenhagen cop is killed by a man trying to avenge his father's death by tracking down the ISIS mastermind responsible. So now the cop's partner and pregnant lover (also a cop) want to track down the guy who killed their co-worker. But that guy is now in CIA custody and acting as their rabid tracking dog for ISIS. It's all very convoluted while also being simple-minded -- no easy feat.

I didn't care and it felt like the actors, screenwriter, composer and director (De Palma???) didn't either. I don't even have any idea why it's named "Domino."

F

The Darkness (2016)

Family with capital-I issues (Mom is an alcoholic, daughter is an incompetent bulimic, son is an autistic portal for demons, and Dad's a cheater who dyes his hair waaaaaay too dark) goes to the Grand Canyon and brings back dark forces.

But I don't care. This family is the freakin' worst.

F

Hangman (2017)

This feels like a movie Nicolas Cage passed on but to which Al Pacino said, "yeah -- I'm not doin' anything. I'll take it." Just a typical crazy killer with a grudge story without any skill in the telling. Incredibly boring with a whiff of TV movie about it, despite all of the blood.

F

Love Wedding Repeat (2020)

A man and woman meet for the first time and feel an instant connection, but have to say goodbye before any real move is made. More than a year later, they meet again at a wedding -- will it work out this time? Or, more accurately, will it work out in one of the "sliding doors" timelines the story explores?

This really wants to be wacky, but it's just annoying. None of the "bits" work at all: the non-Scottish boor in a kilt, the irksome chatterbox with an unrequited crush, the coked-up stalker -- they all seem to have been told to "wing it" and the result is shockingly flat. it doesn't help in the least that the couple for whom we're, presumably, supposed to be rooting is terribly dull.

A few cut scenes roll at the start of the credits and they were all funnier than what made it into the film -- that's by comparison, of course. They weren't funny by any sane metric.

F

Richard III (1956)

Looks cheap and the story, though sordid, comes off as flat. The dialogue and its delivery were lifeless. This might as well have been a high school play.

F

Archipelago (2014)

A mother and her two adult children arrive at a country cottage ahead of the father for a two-week family holiday that is to serve as a send-off for the son, who is heading off to volunteer in Africa for a year. There's a hired cook and a hired art teacher (I think??) who are around quite a bit.

The family sits around moodily or eats moodily or goes on moody outings and gets more and more annoyed that the patriarch isn't showing up. Can't say I blame him, though. His family is the worst. And this movie is a big ol' pile of nothing but scenery and birdsong and brooding.

F