Yojimbo (1961)

Can't hold a candle to the far superior Seven Samurai -- but is certainly worthwhile.

My one, probably girly, complaint is that I was often confused as to who was on whose side. Even with the near constant feeling of not being quite in-the-know, I had a good time.

B

Bad News Bears (2005)

A lazy, obvious bore full of kids who can't act. If I weren't crazy about Billy Bob Thornton, I would've had a hard time staying awake through this one.

D+

And Starring Pancho Villa as Himself (2003)

Well, they say (and by "they" I mean IMDb & the film itself) that the film's pretty accurate. Basically: Pancho Villa, leader of Mexican revolutionaries, made a financial agreement to have some battle footage shot and cut into a film by an American company. When that effort did no business, the film company went down to Villa again, with a tighter contract this time, stipulating when battles could be launched (best light, obviously), that battles be restaged if necessary, and that dramatizations of key portions of Villa's life be shot. Incredible.

I was certainly involved in the sheer audacity of what was going on, but as a film it felt a little dry. Took me a few days to finish it.

B-

King Kong (2005)

So, here's the truth: it's not that great.

Almost every scene goes on too long -- from the "exciting" sequences: the brontosaurus-creature stampede, the T-Rex fight, and the giant insects in the ravine (which is downright ridiculous in its length -- ENOUGH already) to the touching ice-scoot scene. Why on earth did a movie that boils down to "wild animal is captured and exploited and cruelly misunderstood" have to be three hours long? I admit that I wasn't ever actually bored, but neither was I consistently entertained.

And another thing: the special effects are seriously unimpressive. Kong's great looking -- but the dinosaurs, bugs, and CG people are all obvious in appearance and rubbery in movement. I was extremely disappointed.

C+

Kronk's New Groove (2005)

I was pretty dang excited to find this under the Christmas tree. I've seen The Emperor's New Groove probably 10 times and have laughed myself silly during each viewing and have enjoyed little giggle fits when simply thinking about the film. So...my expectations were probably a little high, making my disappointment just that much more bitter.

Kronk, former inept henchman, is now living a life much more suited to his strengths. He's playing up to his talents as a Junior Chipmunk Leader, a cook, and general nice-guy-about-town. However, his dad's coming to town and Kronk, approval-seeker-extraordinaire, doesn't think that the life he's chosen will be enough to get the "thumbs-up" he's been craving from his father since he was a boy. Mediocrity ensues.

If this had been stand-alone film, I think it'd be alright. But as the follow-up to one of the funniest animated films ever, it's just not good enough.

C

Roll Bounce (2005)

A group of middle-class kids have their neighborhood no-frills roller rink close down, so they're stuck skating across town at the neon-lit upscale rink where they're less-than-nobodies. Wouldncha know it, though? There's a skate competition coming up that might give them some credibility if they do well enough.

Certainly shouldn't be taken too seriously -- a fact that the script itself has a problem remembering. It works best as a lighthearted period piece about friends, putdowns, and funky styles. The subplots of a dead mother and out-of-work father seem intended to give weight to the story, but instead just weigh it down.

As a kid who spent every Saturday afternoon at her local rink, I have quite an affection for this one.

B-

The Exorcism of Emily Rose (2005)

This is, primarily, a courtroom drama -- and, on those terms, it's fine. However, the flashback scenes are so strong that whenever the action returned to the present it was rather a letdown.

Laura Linney's defense attorney was completely unbelievable. She did a fine job acting, but the role was ridiculous. This is a high-profile case...but she and her lone assistant seem to be the only ones doing any work on it. She also is being harrassed in her home: finding her apartment door ajar in the middle of the night, power cutting off, smelling smoke -- but she does nothing to put a stop to it. The implication is that she's "under attack" by demons. As a claimed "agnostic," I'd think she'd call the cops or the firefighters rather than to endure.

Jennifer Carpenter, who plays Emily Rose, is amazing. She really freaked me out. But that's only half of the movie -- and the trial half needed some serious script work.

B

A Holiday to Remember (1995)

A holiday movie to forget. Some reviews just write themselves.

OK, OK -- if you need more: Connie Selleca gets a divorce and goes back "home" to hicksville with her less-than-enthused daughter and runs into her hometown sweetheart (Randy Travis -- accomplishing the feat of delivering every single syllable in the same exact tone. Amazing), his feisty pie-baking aunt (Rue McClanahan), and a kid who ran away (I'm guessing from acting camp before he completed even one lesson) living in her basement.

Will Connie and Randy rekindle old flames? Will the runaway find a home? Will the daughter get enthused? Do you really need to watch this to figure out the answers?

D

Die Hard (1988)

The action scenes still hold up, but quite a few other elements are sadly dated. For example, Paul Gleason's idiot police chief is a dumb device...they might as well have tucked a toilet seat protector into the back of his pants as it's obvious they just wanted him to be the same character he played in The Breakfast Club, you know -- the last person who should be in charge but, improbably, IS. Also, I don't think the cocky cocaine-snorting colleague existed anywhere except in '80s movies.

And why do so many screenwriters insist on having characters speak to themselves? A good actor can convey what he's thinking without the forced "come to papa" lines Willis has to deliver here. Those scenes made me wince.

B-

Off the Map (2005)

A New Mexico couple is living by their own simple-life rules. They have squirrels for dinner, troll the dump for the "good stuff," trade for services, and generate a small income for whatever else they need by selling stuff like cut flowers.

They're getting audited and, due to a bad reaction to a bee sting, the IRS guy ends up tossing in fever on their couch for several days. Once he recovers, he finds he's no longer interested in bringing order to this odd family's finances, but rather that being in their presence has freed him from the order of his life.

This is a strong cast (Joan Allen, Sam Elliott, JK Simmons), the mood is right for the scenery (surreal and leisurely) -- and I was interested in this group with its depressed father and devoted best friend, but there's a big problem: the narration. The grown daughter tells the story of a few months in her girlhood, but she's the wrong one to tell it. Out of everyone involved, she's the WRONGEST. I'd rather hear the perspective of any of the other four major characters. I didn't like the daughter and I didn't care about what she had to say.

C+

Empire Falls (2005)

Almost-dead small town is unofficially run by a Potteresque widow.

The colorful characters include:
--The longsuffering manager of the local diner, whose shrill wife has just 1) shed 50 pounds and 2) left him for an older man
--The town bum, who always has "crumbs in [his] beard" (though I never saw them for myself -- just heard about them)
--The sensitive, kind, and pretty arty girl
--The disturbed and pitiful loner
--The ignorant bully of a cop
--The senile ex-priest who steals the poorbox cash and sometimes forgets to wear pants
--and on and on

The only sparks of life are in the flashbacks -- the movie thrives in the past and dies in the present (much like the town itself). I have no idea how this hokey, unoriginal mess of a story attracted such a talented cast.

C-

The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)

Heartwarming and funny -- this one's not just for the kids.

Michael Caine makes a wonderful Scrooge. I love how he plays it "straight," never talking down to the muppets or in any way letting us know that he knows he's surrounded by toys. He has one scene in particular that makes me cry (Christmas past when he's singing along as his fiancée breaks up with him) and many more that move me deeply.

B+

A Christmas Story (1983)

Always a delight -- I love it so much I even wrote a mafia game based on the film!

This was at least the fifteenth time I've seen it and my only complaint is that I'm hyper-aware of how hard it is to understand what Ralphie's saying in the early scenes. I've memorized nearly every line in the film and it's a good thing since I almost always have to interpret for someone watching along with me.

A

With a Friend Like Harry (2001)

Young family man with the usual stresses -- not enough money, not enough time, meddling parents, etc. -- runs into an old schoolmate by chance at a rest stop. Although barely remembered, the friend invites himself and his girlfriend over for a drink (despite the fact that it's quite a distance out of his way), which turns into a few days' stay.

There's a sense of dread hanging over the proceedings...the feel is rather like that of "Spoorloos" (the original "The Vanishing"). You know something is going to happen, but you're not sure what. This film really knocked me out. The ending left me extremely satisfied -- and I'm still unsure of how I interpret it.

A

Orgazmo (1998)

I seriously cannot remember how this ended up in my Netflix queue. Someone at some point MUST have told me it was good...I really wish I could remember who it was so that I could 1) make a note to ignore their advice in future and 2) flick them on the head.

Really dumb. Incredibly unfunny. Poorly acted. It's only saved from an "F" rating because the concept -- bright-eyed Mormon boy thinks that an offer to star in porn films is God's way of providing cash for his wedding -- is funny all by itself.

D-

The Man Who Came to Dinner (1942)

"It boy" radio personality Sheridan Whiteside (Monty Woolley), traveling through the midwest on his way somewhere much better, grudgingly stops off for dinner in Ohio with a prominent local family. On his way into their place, he slips on the icy steps and is forced to convalesce -- against his wishes and those of the host couple -- in their home for the Christmas season. The only one who doesn't seem put out by the interruption in the normal schedule is his secretary (Bette Davis) who has finally stopped long enough to consider stopping permanently.

Such a quick-witted film with lots of laughs. Woolley is simply wonderful in his role -- deliberately abrasive to those he disdains while going out of his way to bond with and advise everyone else. The only complaint is that it goes on a little long. Jimmy Durante could have been completely cut as his only purpose seems to be so that we can say "hey! Jimmy Durante!"

Not one of the well-known Christmas movies, but worth seeking out.

A-

Holiday Inn (1942)

Performing trio (Astaire, Crosby, and a dame) is breaking up because Crosby's marrying the dame and retiring to farming life. Well, that was the plan anyway...before Astaire stole her away. Crosby takes his broken heart on off to the farm and decides to convert it into "Holiday Inn" -- only open on holidays.

What a charmer. The drunken dance is one of the most entertaining Astaire numbers I've ever seen -- and the comedy and romance are worthwhile rather than simply serving as filler between songs.

B+

The Wicker Man (1974)

Cop spends some time on a remote island investigating the reported disappearance of a young girl. The locals -- from the missing girl's mother down to the children -- go out of their way to make his job extremely difficult. It doesn't help matters that the officer is a goody-two-shoes religious man and the island is actively pagan. And, apparently, "lots of naked" is movie shorthand for pagan. The nudity might have been shocking if there were less of it -- but there was so much that it actually became rather boring.

So. If you were the cop and it was obvious to you that no one WANTS you to figure out what's going on, despite the fact that everyone is, quite obviously, in the know except for you, what would you do? Pretend as though you were satisfied and shake hands all around and leave only to return as soon as possible with loads of backup? Me too. What does this cop do? He threatens everyone and warns them that he'll be back and they'll all be sorry and blah-blah-blah. He's the investigation equivalent of the buxom idiot running up the stairs instead of out the front door when the knife wielding lunatic is chasing her.

Really unique -- but also terribly pretentious.

D+

The Family Man (2000)

A "what if" movie. Guy gets to see what his life could have been if he'd taken one different turn. The lovely thing about the set-up is that said guy isn't at all discontent in his current state. He's not in need of redemption, but he gets it anyway.

It's probably because I'm both extremely happy AND living the crappy-car-that-makes-embarrassing-noises and are-you-sure-we-can-afford-to-eat-at-Arby's life that I enjoy this movie so much. Though I'm sure no one's cruising my neighborhood in a Jaguar dreaming about someday getting to live in that pink house with the patchy lawn and old roof...I do firmly believe that if most people spent just one day in my shoes, they'd cherish the experience for the rest of their lives. Or at least pity us enough to write me a check. Either one would be fine with me.

B+

When Will I Be Loved (2004)

Vera (Neve Campbell) is a rich brat who 1) hits on random guys she passes on the street while on a job interview 2) has a regular lesbian lover 3) has a jackass of a boyfriend who she's somehow led to believe that she's sexually inexperienced and 4) is, apparently, completely soulless.

The plot, such as it is, involves a rich guy smitten with Vera (after simply glimpsing her a couple of times) being hustled by the boyfriend and then both of them being hustled by her -- only her hustle almost happens without her help. Is it a punishment for her boyfriend pimping her out? Is it just something that happened that she can't be bothered to set right? She doesn't really seem to care which it is and neither do I.

In short, I don't know when or IF she'll be loved...I don't even understand why she's desired. I mean, when did the "Neve Campbell is hot" memo get circulated? I must've been absent that day.

Oh, and one thing that really bothered me was that Neve bumps into Lori Singer (as herself -- and that's after Neve sees Mike Tyson as himself...whatever) and tells her that she loved Lori in Short Cuts. The conversation goes on with Lori telling her that she's working on her music and Neve seems completely surprised to learn that Lori plays the cello. I've only seen Short Cuts once and I remember that Lori played the cello quite well -- it's a major piece of her story. Stupid Neve.

D+

Scrooged (1988)

I remember seeing this for the first time while in a friend's hometown over Thanksgiving break. Full theater and the whole place was laughing so dang hard. I'm thinking now that there must've been something in the artificial popcorn butter that made us all a little loopy...

There are some extremely funny lines tossed off ("Have you tried *staples*?" comes to mind), but it's not going into the permanent Christmas film rotation for us. Carol Kane (as the Ghost of Christmas Present) and the ending "hey, I'm nice now" scene both wear out their welcome long before they're done.

C+

Timeline (2003)

Granted, this isn't anywhere near Crichton's best story -- but neither is it as unbefreakinlievable as this ridiculous adaptation makes it seem.

Black Knight might even be better than this. At least it meant to be funny.

F

Secret Window (2004)

Sometimes a good actor simply can't overcome a bad script. Instead of Depp elevating this story to the level of "entertaining distraction," he's dragged down with it. I was embarrassed for him.

D

Murderball (2005)

Sure, I'm interested in how each of the team members on the American "Quad Rugby" team came by his disability and how they live their day-to-day lives -- but the coolest thing about this movie was the actual game itself, of which there was far too little footage. The filmmakers also seriously overestimated the appeal of the Canadian coach's home life. More Zupan, less bitter middle-aged guy who treats his family like crap, please.

It's just so weird how much is going on in the world that I've never even heard about. I mean, I had no idea that an every-four-years Paralympics existed.

B